Articles

On Balance and Mothering

So I’m a Mom Now – Who Am I Again?

Tip the Balance in Your Favour: To Your Health

Don’t Forget to Put Your Name on the List!

New Year, New Beginnings...

Ice Cream Goes in the Freezer!

Boundaries in the Snow

Junk Be Gone!

Look Down, Go Down

Living From Courage

Discover Your Secret Passion

Introducting...Mommy - the Juggler!

Early Morning Reflections...(of a Three Year Old)

A few days ago I was helping my three year old son get dressed when he said, “I’m thinking about my life.”  Well, I was surprised, but thought perhaps I had misunderstood him; so I said, “You’re thinking about what?”  “My life.  Aquinnah, Daddy, Mommy, Sheba, Chelsea Lou, going to school, playing, reading – my life.”  Though I was at a loss for words I said, “Oh.  What do you think about that?”  “That I like it!” he ‘said’ in his three-year-old excited exclamation.

I’m not sure how many three-year olds think about their lives, or what they think about them, but he really got me thinking!  Waking up with the proverbial “glass half full” mindset feels calming and secure. 

A positive outlook and gratitude can go a long way towards living authentically in the moment.

There are times when parents can slip into the ‘routine cycle’ while temporarily forgetting to live in the moment.  These days happen to all of us.  You’ve just dressed your 8-month old and are about to walk out the door with him and your three-year old daughter to walk your 6 year old son to school.  You’re eight-month old starts crying when you try to put him in his stroller and your six-year old whines about “always being late for school because of the baby” while your three-year old daughter keeps walking with a neighbour who is walking by your house.  Your mind is on getting through this chaos, but it’s also on the things you have to get done when you get home.

How do we let go of all of those competing thoughts and think and feel in the here and now?  How do we express our gratitude for this minute in time?

One aspect of being a small child is that you don’t necessarily have to think about, nor could you because of the level of thinking skills you have, think about the upcoming day or week.  As parents, we are often thinking 10 steps ahead and perhaps doing things to speed up the process while not truly “being in the moment” or appreciating that moment in time.

There are some straightforward ways to get to gratitude and living in the moment:

While there is no magic formula, and no quick and easy route to consistent change, daily practice will enhance your ability to manage those difficult times and to recognize the feeling of “being in the moment”.

What will your early morning reflections be tomorrow?

Introducing...Mommy - the Juggler!

A few months ago our neighbour’s son and daughter came to our door to offer pet sitting and babysitting services.  Their flyer was ingenious.  It had a picture of a mom cooking, holding her baby, responding to her husband, doing laundry, trying to read something on her laptop which was sitting on the kitchen counter and making a phone call while her toddler tugged at her leg.

My daughter found the flyer one day, looked at the picture and said, “Mommy, you can’t do that!”

Somewhere between the delivery room and arriving home with our new bundle of joy, mommy and juggler became somewhat synonymous.  Usually, as time progresses and the infant turns into a mobile toddler, then faster and more clever and mobile pre-schooler, moms learn to juggle more and more at the same time.  It may start innocently enough, soon after baby is born, when breastfeeding while chatting seems easy enough, or when talking on the phone while watching our toddler play.  Soon thereafter – or so it seems – you may find yourself soothing your infant while ensuring your toddler doesn’t pull the tablecloth off the table while discussing the intricacies of mud with your pre-schooler who is carefully ‘washing’ her favourite doll in the mud puddle in the backyard.

What’s your most memorable juggling act?  Did you feel as if any minute now, something will go awry?

From time to time, it may become overwhelming to deal with and respond to all this information and activity simultaneously.  While as mothers, we are well known for our ability to “multitask”, you may find that, when possible, dividing the tasks may prove to be not only easier, but more enjoyable.  It’s also easier to ‘relax’, take a moment, claim some time for yourself and so on, when you don’t need an hour to rid yourself of all the activity still circling your head.

While in the midst of September, with all its new beginnings and transitions, and yes, to do’s, keep in mind these familiar tips for the accomplished juggler:

1. delegate
2. when you can’t delegate, get help
3. plan ahead and get organized
4. take time out for yourself – even if it’s 5 minutes to collect yourself
5. review your schedule and evaluate priorities
6. don’t “over-program” your children

On those odd days, when you may have to gobble a pizza on your way to a dance lesson, hockey practice or other extra-curricular activity, remember that you are not alone, juggling your way through motherhood and that there tools and lifestyle changes that liberate the mom from the juggler.

Discover Your Secret Passion

As busy women in this fast-paced world of smart phones, drive-throughs and pre-prepared re-heat-able meals, it is easy to lose sight of our own little pleasures.  Life with young children is often filled with to-do lists for the little ones and home.  When it comes right down to it, we probably know more about what our children like: strawberries, peanut butter, fish cracker, crusts cut off sandwiches…and so on…than what we like.

What is your secret passion?

A secret passion is something you enjoy doing that you do only because you enjoy it.  There is simply no other reason to participate in this activity.  A secret passion may be difficult to identify because it is something you’ve forgotten about or something that you don’t do because there is no functional purpose to it.  At least that is not the reason for doing it. 

Sure, some of us feel a sense of accomplishment when we’ve rid the kitchen counter of a pile of dishes, tidied a room that was hiding beneath toys, blankets and crafts, completed a project at work or contributed to our child’s school.  There are other activities though, that we do because we are driven to do them from the inside out.

It could be something ‘small’ that is an expression of who we are and is not driven by any external value.  We drift off into our own world and re-ignite our strengths.  Sometimes it’s something that we enjoyed doing or always wanted to do before we became mothers and it got left on the shelf.  Some women re-invent themselves from their secret passion.

So take a look inside, at the things that you always wanted to do; learn another language, plant a vegetable garden, write a book, design a piece of clothing.  Also look at things you always felt ‘safe’ yet still challenged while doing; running a fair distance, painting a landscape, journaling, ballroom dancing.  These activities feed our sense of self and identity, while challenging us in a very personal and self-actualizing way.

Find your secret passion and nurture it with time, patience and care.  Stepping away from the smart phone, drive-through and ‘re-heat and serve’ to reflect on where we are and where we’re going keeps us true to ourselves, rather than allowing ourselves to be an extension of everyone else.

Living From Courage

Sliding down the slippery slope of living from fear is effortless for our generation.  There are innumerable sources of fear prevailing in our society, from BSA in plastics (baby bottles to sippy cups!) to what we are doing to our earth, which may be resulting in changing weather patterns.  Life with kids also propagates fear with all those helpful – and not so helpful - gadgets that keep you wired to seek out danger, as minimal as it may be, at every turn.  As we and our children grow and change, various fear-provoking life events may loom in the horizon.

Fear can be viewed as being made up three components:

• the feeling of apprehension
• our autonomic nervous system’s response, which includes;

• increased heart rate and blood pressure
• dilated pupils
• increased blood-glucose levels
• constriction of veins in the skin, sending more blood to major muscle groups while muscles tense up in preparation for a motor response to the stimulus
• the brain focuses on the ‘big picture’ and it is difficult to focus on small tasks; you would forego the rock in your shoe if you were running away from a bear!

• our behavioural response, aptly termed, the “fight or flight” response

Living from fear is akin to living in a heightened state of arousal because your autonomic nervous system is doing its job in preparing you for a behavioural response to the fear that is driving you. 

For example, if you’re feeling jittery, rushed because you’re ‘afraid you’re going to be late’, you may forget something – your water bottle, keys, son’s hat – because you are rushing.  While ‘fear’ of being late is not tantamount to fear of heights, the autonomic response is driving your body to react, thus leaving the details behind.  Have you felt your heart racing when you’re rushing out the door, reading about the effects of BSA on your baby or having a tough discussion with your partner?

You can develop your ability to manage fear and live from courage by practicing.  Yes, practice being courageous!  It is often helpful to start with small steps while empowering yourself with information.  Flex your confidence by feeling safe in your decisions and knowing that you are able to manage any hurdle with resources at your disposal, your own personal strength and past accomplishments, your own resilience, your family and friends who nurture and support you, your ability to get to the bottom of the problem/fear by seeking out information and ‘experts’.

Living from courage affords a sense of calm and confidence, enabling you to keep at bay the autonomic response which prepares your body for imminent danger.  So, take a deep breath and centre yourself, lower your heart rate and blood pressure in the midst of what may feel overwhelming or fear-provoking.  Get down to the bottom of your fear and integrate courage building exercises into you day.  Find your power to live from courage and enjoy your relaxed and fearless self. 

Look Down, Go Down

I read an article written by Jamie Lee Curtis recently, where she talked about our culture’s proclivity to a fast-paced lifestyle.  As a busy mom, it is easy to focus on the details and perhaps lose sight of the big picture.

We moms “look down” in many ways…to monitor that our baby/toddler/pre-schooler is eating enough, to ensure their safety while they’re playing, to make sure we haven’t forgotten something as we’re leaving the playgroup.

Do you feel that you’ve been in a haze of to-do lists, cell phone calls to friends and family – babysitters! – ensuring your little one’s safety, monitoring various bodily functions, laundry, diapers and homework?  When was the last time you “looked up”?  Looking up is no more than experiencing and appreciating the world around you, taking note of nature, where you are emotionally and taking a moment to breathe.

When mastering any activity requiring that you maintain a certain level of balance and perspective, roller-blading, ice-skating, cross country skiing, walking, driving, riding a bicycle, one of the most difficult things to remember is to look ahead, rather than looking down at your feet or at the steering wheel.  It takes some time to master the skill of looking ahead, which will ultimately place you in a much more balanced and safe (!) place.

Our day to day work as mothers often has us looking down; examining those tiny details, getting snagged in the shoes that should be taken off at the door or the sticky kitchen floor.  Our challenge is to look ahead to maintain our day to day balance and flow.  Connecting with your own values, the vision you have for your life, and keeping in touch with yourself and your needs, will enable you to maintain your balance and perspective, while keeping those ups and downs as part of the experience, rather than the proverbial last straw.

There are easy ways to keep your balance and perspective:

• Take some time out to explore your own values; write them down and keep them close at hand
• Take a little more time out to identify your own needs, whatever it is that you need to feel comfortable, confident and at ease
• Use cleansing breaths (learned in your yoga or Pilates class, maybe in a relaxation class) to ground you when you feel yourself focusing in on those things that generate anger, pain and sadness
• Connect with your values and needs from time to time as a reminder of where you are at, and to identify any changes or how close or far you are from where you want to be.  It’s especially important to do this when you are feeling particularly overwhelmed.
• Develop a plan to gain balance and perspective again, whether this plan includes talking to a friend or seeking advice from a professional.

A visual reminder is often a more immediate and positive way to stop the cycle of feeding into your own self-sabotaging.  So look up!  Keep your values and needs front and centre so that you can stay on the road.

Compassion Extends Beyond Others

As mothers, we are compassionate toward others.  We lend a hand to another mom in need, hold our little ones tight and encourage them to learn and grow.  We often take on numerous responsibilities without making time for ourselves.  When it’s a toss up between eating our own breakfast and ensuring that our children eat breakfast, we’ll most often, i.e., always, take the caregiver role and ensure their health first.  We are wired to care for our young, which is a good thing because this keeps our children safe.

When we routinely skip meals, miss out on that run or tell ourselves that we are not doing a good job in any or all areas of our lives – woman, mother, wife, worker - we become weary, uninspired, caught in the doldrums of the routine.  Stopping and taking a deep breath – an authentic deep breath, not one of those, one eye open, yes, I’m taking the requisite deep breath but have my eye on the clock breaths – will adjust our focus to ground us.

“Inspire”, drawing air into the lungs, comes from the Latin inspirare, which means “to breathe upon or into”.  This is where the other meaning, “to fill with an animating, quickening or exalting influence” comes from.  While we draw air into the lungs anywhere from 12-20 times per minute, on average, we may not experience the added benefit of ‘being inspired’, which is a little more involved than that!

Where do you find your inspiration?
How do you express your compassion?

When you forget to pack the sunscreen in your child’s school bag, what do you tell yourself?  When you look in the mirror and see dark circles under your eyes, do you run out to get the latest and greatest eye cream?  Have you ever noticed yourself thinking that you’re not a good mother?

This inner voice, the critic, undermines us.  It’s a fact that we make mistakes and that how we handle those situations colours our perception of ourselves.  Nurturing ourselves with a compassionate voice bolsters our inner strength, enabling us to move forward with a positive perspective.  The trouble with the inner critic that dwells on the errors or counts them as reinforcement to a less than positive perception of ourselves is that the only contributions that this voice makes are to drain energy, increase self-doubt and lead the way to more negative thoughts.

Nurturing ourselves with the compassion that we give to our children, friends, family and strangers contributes to our growth, development and positive perspective.  This inner voice inspires us to be gentle with ourselves and energizes us.  The inspirational voice is present, but needs to be heard.  Listen to this positive voice; respond to the inner critic; reframe the situation and encourage yourself, much like you would your child or your dear friend.

May is a month of renewal and growth.  Celebrate May and Mother’s Day.  Nurture your inspirational, encouraging voice to quieten the critic that appears from time to time, or perhaps, all too often.  Feel peaceful quiet moments.  You will be pleasantly surprised with the transformative power of this seemingly minor adjustment.

Junk Be Gone!

Spring is officially here, and so the time for us to get rid of the junk that has piled up over the winter months – or longer!  For some time I had struggled with keeping my “Junk e-mail folder” empty and now I have found an effective way to do just that. 

I had made an effort to keep my Junk folder empty, but inadvertently email upon email would accumulate in there, and next thing you know, I’m trying to get through 50 junk email messages to make sure that something important didn’t get filtered in there by accident.

Since January – when I cleaned out all those email messages – I have been opening my Junk folder when I open my email.  I check out what’s in there, usually no more than five messages, and pretty much 90% of the time, I simply have to click on “Empty Junk-mail folder” and abracadabra, all the email messages are deleted.  I have not had to contend with the junk mail piles since!  This is similar to the well known, ‘touch each paper once only’ rule of office organization and time management.

This little trick is applicable to many places and spaces where junk tends to pile up: on your desk, in your purse, next to the back door, in the closets, in relationships and in your head!  The trick is to stay on top of it so it doesn’t turn into a mountain that will be much more difficult and time consuming to deal with later.  This does require discipline and effort, but the rewards are well worth it.

When “junk” piles up in your head, it can make it tough to get through the day…resentments can build, anger can get locked inside your soul and find its way out at inopportune times.  One of the best ways to deal with this build-up of emotion is to “purge the Junk mail folder” and strive to deal with it in the moment, or at the very least, relatively soon after the fact. 

Boundaries in the Snow

I like to talk about the weather from time to time…this winter, for example, we have had plenty of snow.  My daughter asked me what the posts are, you know the ones, the fluorescent orange ones placed just beyond the curbs in parking lots so that the snowplow doesn’t crash into the curb.

This explanation of the fluorescent orange ‘snow boundaries’ got me thinking about the ease with which we can blur our own boundaries.  As caregivers, we routinely teach, guide, encourage and provide for our families.  We may, or may not, put time aside to nurture ourselves.  Setting boundaries for ourselves as caregivers is an essential part of caring for ourselves and our well-being.

It’s very easy to get drawn in by our children and anyone else who wants just that little bit more from us.  It may also be our custom to give that little extra because nurturing others comes naturally.  Setting clear boundaries, about where mommy ends and your children begin goes a long way to helping you – and your children - remember who’s who. 

We’ve all experienced the very common fuzzy boundaries for mothers of young children: being alone in the bathroom, listening to one of your favourite songs, eating half a meal without getting up to get something for someone else. Once you have set the boundaries – and consistently enforced them – you will be well on your way to having moments of time to nurture your identity.

Learning to say ‘no’ to the onslaught of requests is not easy; it’s an art to those who are natural ‘helpers’ and ‘caregivers’.  The risk in letting the boundaries become hazy is growing weary of the daily routine and drifting away from yourself.  When we set clear boundaries and let others know that they are encroaching on them, we are more able to stay in tune with ourselves and our needs, and in turn, be better able to nurture others.

It’s so hard to say no.  When we run around though, filling every need, we lose ourselves.  With that we could easily lose our inner balance.  Feeling as if we’re there for everyone but ourselves can build resentment, over-exhaustion, guilt, anxiety and hopelessness.  Depleting ourselves through parenting blunts our ability to nurture our children’s growth.

Ice Cream Goes in the Freezer!

Of course ice cream goes in the freezer…but sometimes that’s tough to remember!  It was early in the new year when I bought ice cream for dessert for a family gathering.  Ice cream made it on the grocery list because I looked in the freezer and there was none there!  When I got home, put the ice cream in the freezer and went to put the other groceries away, I noticed another ice cream container in the fridge. Luckily we’re buying ice cream in plastic containers, because the ice cream that was in the fridge was a mess of goop that was not - at all - appetizing.

How is it that we are so distracted at times, multitasking, that we misplace our car keys, forget to pack snacks for the playdate or, on occasion, forget the “indoor shoes” for school!

Add up all the things running around in your head, the appointments, work meetings, school assignments, to do’s, grocery items, next week’s get together, the request for apple juice, a friendly sibling tiff on the way out the door and so on…and ask any brain to keep track of all of those things without faltering or prioritizing.  Not an easy task!  Most of us have developed some kind of system to manage all of this information in the midst of actually doing any one (or more) of these tasks. 

While multitasking is what we think makes “getting things done” faster, it may, in fact spread us a little too thin.  When we multitask, we use the ‘executive functions’ of our brains, which are wired to pay attention to the task with the higher priority.  So if you’re at the park – or indoor playground – with your child while you are chatting with another parent and you see your child in the midst of falling from the jungle gym, your brain will tell your body to run to catch your child, leaving the lower ‘priority’ activity as just that, not a priority.  Chances are that you’ll take a bit of time to recall exactly what you were discussing with your fellow parent, who may now have run off after her own child.

Our brains need time to ‘switch gears’ between the two (or more) activities that we are paying attention to.  This may actually make multitasking a slower process, in the long run, to get individual tasks completed. 

Sometimes it’s easier to slow down the process by doing one thing at a time, as much as possible, which also puts less strain on your brain and, at the end of the day, is less stressful and less tiring.

Put the ice cream in the freezer, then answer the question about the playdate, then get ready to leave.  Try to do all three “at once” and you may end up with a tub full of cream (sans the ice) in the fridge!

New Year, New Beginnings…

Happy 2008!  This is a time of reflection, future planning, celebration and New Year’s resolutions.  You know how it can be, make five resolutions and keep, um, one or two?  Resolutions can be a little rigid and rather, well, grandiose!  Here are some tips on starting 2008 with a bang and getting some staying power to stick to your resolutions for the next 364 days.

Define the big picture first
You say you want to eat more healthy foods, lose weight…be more patient?  That’s a great start to defining the big picture, though defining ‘resolutions’ in such large and vague terms may not get you the desired result.  What does being more patient mean – exactly?  Shouting less often, or not at all?  Setting the scene for the resolution, then tweaking it to identify the core issues will go a long way to keeping your focus through the rest of the year.

Break it down
Break down the big picture into its components to figure out what it is exactly that you would like to change.  By identifying the specifics, you will have greater clarity in working towards keeping your resolution day to day.  Now that you have defined the behaviour and what you want it to look like when you are sticking to your resolution, be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself
Managing expectations and setting relatively realistic goals will add to your bag of tricks to stick to your plan.  You know how easy it is to do the ‘supermom’ thing and expect ourselves to be all things to all people all the time, and of course, to manage every aspect of our lives perfectly.  With change comes growing pains, learning new skills and, most of all, patience with ourselves.  Setting your goals to be attainable and allowing for the, yes, I’m-human-and-there-are-events-that-are-out-of-my-control factor, will enable you to continue on in your journey through change.  Maintaining your own grasp of the core issue and the strategies you’ve developed to address the issue will get you through the tough times.

Keep up your maintenance schedule
There may be times in the next year when sticking to your plan may seem, well, tough.  Building in some time to check-in with yourself, review your strategies and identify hurdles will assist you through the process.  Being a busy mom may seem to make this reflection impossible, but reflection does not require you to take hours out of your day.  Take out 5 minutes before nodding off for the night, while preparing a meal or going for a walk.  Those 5 minutes you take out to maintain your focus on the goal, review your strategies for change and monitor your progress will go a long way to keeping you on track.

Refresh your spirit this year and stay in touch with your goals and needs.  You – and those around you – will notice and thank you for it.  Happy 2008!

Don’t Forget to Put Your Name on the List!

Okay, so we’ve all been talking about it – yes, it is the holiday season again!  The passing of almost 12 months since last Christmas may seem to be more of a blur than a reality.  So here we are, lots to do with little time and our regular responsibilities to maintain.

Are you scheduled from sunup to well past sundown?
Although it’s generally understood that you will be busier during this time of year, it is not advisable that you pack your schedule with work, caring for your children and home and doing all the holiday preparation each day until the big day.  Look at your schedule to see what you may be able to move to be completed after Christmas (okay, you can’t do the Christmas shopping after Christmas, that’s true); look to see what could be done differently so it is less labour-intensive for you (did someone say on-line shopping!), or what is not really “necessary” that can be crossed off the list altogether.

Are you feeling positive about holiday plans?
Do you have a “dreaded” get-together to attend?  Is there any way to make it more enjoyable?  Identify your concerns – list them out, it will make it easier to see the “big picture”.  Brain storm a “work-around” for each of your concerns.  This doesn’t have to take a lot of time.  Take a notepad with you when you’re out with the kids, shopping or “chauffeuring” and jot down your ideas.  Before you know it, there it is: a plan to get through that not-so-fun dinner party.

When are you planning to take a time out?
Odd as it may sound, add your name to the list.  Yes, you have to prepare your home, purchase the gifts, make lists, bake, and attend holiday functions.  Somewhere on your many lists, your name should appear in *flashing lights*.  This is not to say that you’re out there getting an entire new wardrobe with two days left to Christmas.  The idea is to do something relaxing – as simple as enjoying your favourite latte - while you are also looking after everyone else.

Stop and smell the mistletoe lately?
You may want to slow things down a bit to enjoy more.  While you have lots to get done, you also want to be a part of the holidays and not an observer running the obstacle course to get to the finish line.  The more “to-do’s” you have in your head and lists that you’re checking, the more mental and emotional energy you are spending that could ultimately lead to fatigue and irritability. 

Whatever your holiday season traditions, include a mommy time out and a time for you to enjoy and exhale. 

Tip the Balance in Your Favour: To Your Health!

Have you taken a break today?  Or has today been a series of meals to be made, diapers to change, children to drop off and pick up, business meetings to attend and contracts to carry out?  Work for your children, work for your family, work for your business – but, most importantly work for yourself.

It is a challenge to initiate your own business whilst being a mom who already has less “free” time than most people.  Women who are mothers and choose to start a business take risks, want a different work situation than they were in previously, and want to spend time with their children while pursuing their careers and their dreams.  Being a mompreneur takes foresight, flexibility and fortitude to stay the course.

Interestingly, seventeen years ago, Charlene Canape wrote a book entitled, The Part-Time Solution: The New Strategy for Managing Your Career While Managing Motherhood.  This book exemplifies the metamorphosis of women’s roles in the work force while documenting the very same issues faced by many mothers today: the motherhood versus career dilemma.  A notable difference with the situation seventeen years ago is today’s emerging mompreneur: the woman who wants to have a career while spending time with her children and running her own business, which is not usually conducive to a “part-time” paradigm.

Mompreneurs wear many hats, accountant, marketing rep, web designer, product developer and so on.  Inherent to running your own business – whether or not you’re a mom - is spending lots of time to do just that, operate your business.  From meeting prospective clients to updating your web site to advertising, it all takes time.  Ironically enough, moms tend to have very little “extra” time.  So, how do you go about starting up and running your own business, mothering and tending to those many chores that seem to pile up?

Use Your Foresight
Look ahead to the next deadline and plan for the unexpected.  Sounds rather difficult, but as a mom you have a gut feeling when an upcoming business responsibility may coincide with your mothering.  Use one schedule for all of your roles and responsibilities and plan ahead for that extra busy day, when you have back to back business meetings before picking up your two-year old from childcare, for example.

Your instinct will guide you, just as it does when you are making mothering decisions.  While starting and running your own business may seem to require different skills, it mostly requires that you identify your current skills and apply them in another setting.  You have the tools to navigate your way through by planning ahead as much as possible.

Capitalize on Your Ability to be Flexible
No one can plan for every possibility, with children comes a certain degree of chaos and unforeseen events that will require your immediate attention.  Managing these situations will require flexibility.  Remind yourself that your children are the reason – or at least a big part of the reason - that you are not in a conventional “job”.  Structure the situation to satisfy everyone’s needs; it may be easiest to tend to your children and finish your work at a planned “childless” opportunity.  If you don’t have any time in the day when you can work on your business without your children, you’ll need to create those opportunities.

Remember that getting through the chaos will get you to the next period of relative calm.  You may need to get through a couple of ‘unbalanced’ days to achieve more balance in the long run.

Flex Your Fortitude
Just when you thought the “heavy lifting” of motherhood was done, you did have the baby, after all, you find yourself juggling your children’s needs, family responsibilities, business responsibilities and every other tiny detail of being a woman, mother and entrepreneur. 

Cut yourself some slack, throw out the guilt and pick your battles.  You may need to get some help to enable you to spend the time you need with your children or on your business.  You know the saying, work smarter not harder.  Delegating tasks may provide you with the time you need.  For example, is it more important that you are the one who cleans the house or can you trade that off by hiring someone to do that while you tend to your business? 

Use the strategies you use in mothering when you find solutions to the issues your children are facing, to develop alternative solutions to the day to day hurdles of being a mompreneur.   

Look Out for Number One
It may sound counterintuitive, but if you don’t look after yourself you will be unable to comfortably look after anyone else.  Identify your own needs as a woman, mother, entrepreneur and partner.  What is distinctly your own, your “me” activity, that keeps you feeling healthy - a workout, a chat with a friend, reading a good book? 

With all the different hats you wear as a mompreneur, the responsibilities of motherhood and the other roles you play – spouse, sister, friend, and so on, you need to find a way to re-fuel your mind, body and spirit.  You cannot be effective in any role if you are chronically hungry, tired, unsatisfied or unfulfilled.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.  This is the instruction flight attendants give you which, in turn, enables you to assist your child in the event of an emergency during the flight.  If you are unable to manage your own health and to function optimally, you cannot run your business or fulfill your other roles optimally.

Only you know your own limits and the signs of marked fatigue.  During those times – and as a preventative measure in your day to day routine – re-energize yourself by taking time out for yourself.  It sounds difficult, if not impossible, but, when achieved, your balance and serenity will be reflected in your mothering and your business.

Manage Your Energy Level: Optimize Productivity
Your energy levels fluctuate.  Are you a morning person or a night owl?  Do you find it difficult to get through the morning without a mid-morning snack?  Do you feel more tired after working on your computer than you do conducting customer meetings?  Do you feel like you are running on adrenaline or caffeine just to get through each day?

Save the heavy lifting and heavy thinking for peak energy periods.  While multitasking has the allure of getting many things done “at once”, it is a drain on your body and your mind.  Identify points in your day when you are at your peak energy level and work towards scheduling complex tasks at those times.  Use the low energy periods - as much as possible - to do work that is routine such as filing, counting inventory, vacuuming or cleaning the house.  Try to use your peak energy periods for activities requiring attention to detail or higher level cognitive processes, such as strategic planning, accounting and invoicing.

Regardless of how you structure your work day and your mothering activities, take a mental break periodically.  While you may feel that this deters from your productivity, you will find that returning to your work refreshed will improve the quality of your work.

Be True to Your Balance Checklist
Develop a quick and easy Balance Checklist starting with your mothering and business goals linking to the activities that bring balance to your day, for example, eating a healthy diet, taking periodic breaks, scheduling or participating in “me” activities or catching up with your beloved.  Include a section for your signs of cumulative stress, such as irritability, difficulty sleeping, tension in your neck and upper back, or errors in your work.

Take five minutes daily to complete and review your Balance Checklist to identify areas where you need to slow down, get help or re-conceptualize.  Most importantly, do not get caught in the past; so you had a tough day today?  Tomorrow will be better with what you now know about today.  Unleash your inner power by fine-tuning your goals to your specific situation, being confident, maximizing your achievements and maintaining a positive outlook.

So I’m a Mom Now – Who Am I Again?

Last summer we took our children to Storybook Gardens.  It was our first time there and we truly enjoyed ourselves.  As we explored the grounds, we came to the last section: the large climbers and slides!

We each managed to keep up with one of our two children up and down the pirate ship, through its nooks and crannies and down various slides.  My husband went down the huge, three-story tube slide with my daughter several times, encouraging me to, “try it – it’s fun!”  I smiled and nodded, gracefully opting out of that monster tube slide that made my heart race at the mere sight of it.

My then almost-two-year old son merrily walked up and down the three flights of stairs to the platform and entrance of that monstrous tube slide.  The second trip up the stairs ended with him peering down the hole, smiling at the attendant and scurrying down the stairs again.  An eager dad smiled at me and chuckled saying, “You’re going to have to go down it sooner or later!”

The third time was the charm for my son. He went to the opening of that behemoth slide and said, “Down mommy. DOWN!”  I glanced at the attendant who said, “You have to go with him. He’s too small to go alone.”  “He’s too small to go and I’m too scared to go”, I thought.  “Okay – here goes”, I said.  That same dad who had been doing the same circuit with his 5 year old daughter laughed.

My son sat in the slide and I sat behind him, bracing him with my feet pressing on the sides of the slide to slow our descent – and, of course, my heart in my throat!  For what seemed to be a long, long time, all I could see was bright red plastic, my feet pressing against the side of the slide and my son’s curly head of hair.

When we popped out of the tube at the bottom my body tingled with exhilaration, fear and that, thank goodness that’s over, feeling.

You have entered motherhood; you are now a different person – at least in some ways.  Yes, yes, it’s about changing life roles and with that, responsibilities – but more so, it’s about changing who you are; you the woman, the individual.  Adjusting to this life change can take some soul searching and daily perseverance.

You overcome your fears…and develop new ones.

You know what I’m talking about.  Whether it’s a new-found ability to deal with vomit, the infamous “multi-tasking” – listening to two, three, four children at the same time, catering to their needs, while preparing a meal or worse, while driving them somewhere, your new “yelling voice” or that all too familiar but unwelcomed sense of frustration that leaves you shaking, you are now different.

The best part of all of this, is, of course, the rest of it. The un-prompted, out of the blue, Mommy, I love you’s, the hug that is really a tackle, the day you walk in on your older child helping the younger one and the day they each discover themselves – their love of fire trucks, their sense of rhythm or their uncanny ability to help out.

As you go through your day, be it a good day or not-so-good day, and sometimes ask yourself how you got here…think of who you were before children, who you are now, and how those two women connect.  You can develop strategies to manage the day to day ups and downs of motherhood.  Reconnecting with yourself is a positive way to stay true to your values, parent consciously and rejuvenate your sometimes weary self.

On Balance and Mothering

It’s a workday today. My 4-year old daughter and 2-year old son are eating breakfast at the kitchen table while I whip together my – now almost necessary for the protein to get through the morning! – omelet.

“What are we doing today, Mommy?” My daughter shouts, “Let’s have a playdate with our friends! They can come to our house.”

I explain to her that no, we cannot have a playdate today because today “Mommy has to work.” “Work at what?” she replies. I explain again. “Mommy works, Aquinnah. Mommy is a therapist.”

“You can’t be a therapist. You’re MY MOMMY!” she replies. To her young, but very bright mind, my sole occupation is that of  “Mommy.”

Being Mommy is the most important job – so how do we fit everything else in? A mother’s work is all-encompassing and consuming. Whatever else we are or do, it will always take second place to our children. But should it? Most experts will tell you that it is important to have time for yourself. Often, the catch is in figuring out how to do just that.

Whether or not you work outside the home, you are juggling many responsibilities: your children and their child care or school, extracurricular activities and medical appointments, your household, your marriage and, oh yes – yourself! It is all too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine that drives us to be caregivers to all but ourselves, to get frazzled and stressed, and perhaps to feel that this is all too overwhelming for the mind, body and spirit.

You may recall a now-distant past when you enjoyed reading a book on a weekend morning or going for a workout at an hour that suited your schedule – and your schedule only.

Taking on the role of mother, particularly when you have young children, is it to take on every detail of your children’s lives. And as mothers of young children, we tend to be novices in mothering.

The journey into motherhood redefines us. We learn to breastfeed, soothe a crying baby, give medicine to a crying 2-year old and master the fine art of staccato conversations with other moms at the playground.

We learn to put our own fears aside.

There is no balance at first. When you are feeding, diapering and soothing a newborn there’s little time for thinking about your own needs. In time, the needs of others have surpassed your own and you forget about your self. Reconnecting with yourself is about remembering your pre-mother self, who she was, what she enjoyed, what her dreams and aspirations were – and getting to know your new self, you the mother.

Is it a question of balance, of prioritizing, or of putting your own needs at the end of the to-do list? A mother’s work is largely undervalued in our culture.

Mothers need a sanctuary.

A sanctuary is what you define it to be. It is different for each of us, and you leave it feeling refreshed, relaxed and inspired: connected with your self. It may be a run, a fitness class, reading a good book or writing in a journal. Of course, once you have defined it, you will need to find a way to carve out time for it.

The question is not only one of achieving a balance in the activities in your life, but of finding a balance in yourself – to remain relaxed, confident, rooted in your own beliefs and living a life that is true to your values. It is not about perpetual happiness; it’s about managing the ebb and flow of chaos from within. To be comfortable in your own skin. To be the woman and mother you want your children to emulate. To grow within so that you can nurture your children’s growth.